Getdowngirl

Well, it's Thursday, February second, and I've subbed once. . . for a half a day. I can't find a job anywhere. I'm so depressed it's pathetic. I'm not a depressed person. And it's not because I don't have a job (well, second-hand), but because I have no contact with humans EVER! On a good day, I'll have a conversation with someone at starbucks, but other than that, I hang out with my dog, Sophie. It's horrible. I would rather do anything than be by myself at home. I can entertain myself very well, but after a month. . . I'm not that much fun to hang out with anymore. I'm dying here. It's the worst. I've thought about joining the gym next to my house, even though I have a pretty decent gym in my basement, just to be around people. But, that poses a problem because since I haven't been employed since before i left for Africa, I've sort of ran out of money. . . not completely, but I have just enough to pay some bills and then that's it, so the gym is out i think. I guess the only thing I can do is apply at more places, but it's starting to get FUCKING old. I want to take a bat and beat the shit out of something. Mostly like a tree or a wall or something that can't beat me back. . .I was going to say something not living, but I guess a tree is huh?! I don't know. I just like people and I'm ready to see them everyday. And I'm sick of waiting and getting my hopes up. I just gotta keep doing what i'm doing and something will turn up. K. . .that's all. Hopefully not so depressing next time.

p.s. I didn't finish writing my last entry because i only want to vent about everything when I'm in a gloomy mood, but i think it's better if I keep crap to myself for a while.

I feel like I have so much to write. I haven't written in a long time, and so much has kind of stirred up inside of me that I want to just get my whole life out there and not hide anything anymore and not wear any masks. Just stand naked in front of everyone, so

DISCLAIMER: THIS LIVEJOURNAL CONTAINS WORDS AND EVENTS THAT WILL BE DISTURBING TO YOUNG CHILDREN AND SOME ADULTS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY PARENTS OR RELATIVES. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

So I kinda want to start from the beginning. I think if I take you through my thought process then you'll really see where I'm at. I want you to know though that each subject i talk about could be an entry in it's own, so know that. Also, more than anything, all i really want from this is to get it out there...off my chest. I want nothing else. In the beginning. . .I think I'll finish this tomorrow. . ..

I haven't written in a long time, one because nothing is going on, and two I don't have anything cool to say. So, I'm going to have to vent a little bit. I think our whole lives we're told that we need to work hard at what we do, graduate from high school, then go to college and get a degree so we can get a good job so we can make money. (because we all know that is most important) And, I've done that, and as much as i'd like to agree with what we're told by all of our teachers and parents and mentors, I kinda think it's a crock of shit. Okay, hear me out. I do think we need to work hard at what we do. I don't expect things to be handed to me, so if I want something, I'm going to work hard. We should graduate from high school. Come on. It's high school. And I would give my %100 recommendation to go to college. If not for the education, then for the social experience if you're willing to dish out the money to make new friends. I loved every second of college. But, the whole part about graduating so you can get a good job to make lots of money. . .I think that's a pile of shit. You get good jobs if you know people. About %70 of the jobs I've ever had were because I've known someone who was working there. And I'm not bitter about not getting a job right now because I haven't made the effort yet, but when I do. . .I know that I better have a good relationship with someone where I want to work or it's not gonna happen. It is true. It doesn't matter how qualified you are, if the company you want to work for knows someone else, they are getting the job over you. Take my friend Emma. She was SSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO qualified for a music position, met every requirement, including 5 years experience and a masters in conducting, she interviewed fantasticly, and they gave the job to the person who was the student teacher there, who had NO expereince, and no masters. IT'S SHIT! And that is pretty much any job anywhere you go. I think it's great and necessary to be qualified in the field you're going into, but I think it is even more of a necessity to get out there and build relationships with people or you're screwed no matter how qualified you are. Another example is my friend Renee. She graduated from college and applied at a Ballys. She's not a persnal trainer. . .she doesn't even have a certificate. . .and the manager thought she was hot so he hired her as a personal trainer and let her take classes while she was working there. The only reason I know this is because she told me. And then they started dating. So two things in life that will get you a good job: 1. know somebody 2. be hot. That's great. I wish they told us that in school because I would have spent a lot less time studying and a lot more time going out and meeting people and i would have spent even more time at the gym. I don't mean that %100. I do love to learn and i enjoy studying to an extent, but the reality of it is, you are more likely to get a job where you desire if you know someone there, and also, you are more likely to get a better position or better pay or just better treatment if you are attractive. And it's true. I didn't really plan on writing about that, but it just came out, so in the mean time, while I'm subbing and planning on getting a real job, I will be growing out my hair and working out a lot and trying to meet a lot of people so I can get a good job. That sounds really bitchy huh?! I think I'm just sad I have to be out in the real world now. Anyway, thoughts. ..comments. . . concerns?!?!??!?!!

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and now with New Years approaching, I guess I'm realizing how fast this year has been. Last year at this time, I was getting ready to start another semester of classes. . .7 credits of PED and 5 that counted toward anything. :) I was working at Bucks Run with some crazy chicks and living with my sweet roommates Mel and Kevin, and really enjoying myself. This year it isn't all that similar. I'm done with school, with no job, living at my dad's house in a room that was built for my grandma. I hate being done with college. I really think it's possibly one of the worst feelings I've ever had. I loved every second of college. . .all the one credit/3 day a week music classes, all nighters doing research papers 15 hours before they're due, not telling anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing, hanging out with friends until 2:00am, not-so-memorable nights at o'kellys, getting the fear of God put into me by Mr. Nichol. . . everything! I loved it all, and I really wish I just had this abundance of money so I could either 1.) keep going to school (professional student) or 2.) TRAVEL all over for a long time. I guess I'd probably prefer travel, but being unemployed, living at my parents house, I'll take the all nighters. So, that's my feeling toward being done as of right now. I have some other things to discuss that maybe anyone who is reading would like to comment on.

1. Ignorance or just the dumbest comments I've ever heard. . .
I was at the dentist office and the lady cleaning my teeth was asking me questions (like they usually do when they put utincils in your mouth)about Africa. She asked me about the culture and the people and stuff and I was telling her how Ghanians were like the nicest people ever they were soo cool, and also how a lot of them lived in poverity, but they were still just so happy in general with relationships and what they had. And her comment was "I just wished all those gangbangers realized what their ancestors went through and what they're going through now." So, all I could think about was that obviously all gangbangers are black, well because they are ya know or at least that's what we think. She then made a comment about how being in a place like Africa makes us realize how fortunate we really are. And to some extent I agree. We are very fortunate to have resourses(natural and unnatural, including health care) and means. Other than that, we aren't very fortunate at all I don't think. We don't have history, we don't have culture, we don't value relationships (especially with our own families), we don't have time for anything or anyone, we don't have religion (even though we think we do. . most of us go to church on sunday because that's what we've done our whole lives and it's good and the rest of the week (and sunday afternoon) is back to normal.), we're not friendly, we're not patient, I could go on. . .and it sucks that I'm writing this because it's a generalization, but I think it's pretty accurate. (again, I would really like to hear other opinions. I think I'm just still really dealing with the whole American thing and I'm still bitter.)

Okay another scenario. . . .

I was at my aunts for Christmas and i met some people there who were their neighbors. We were all in a room and my grandma asked if I brought home any husbands from Africa, and I said no, I left them all there. And the neighbor lady said, "well, that's good because we don't need any goat herders or whatever it is that they do over here." And, I think I was in such shock, that I just got up and left. I didn't even want to start anything. . .on christmas. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??! Wow. .. . . . . .... . .I still just don't even have a comment for that. I feel bad for her.

Another topic of conversation at dinner was interesting as well.
They were talking about how they are putting Arabic writing on car windows now under the English writing and how that was just so dumb and uncalled for and how these dumb people should have to speak English to be in the country and blah blah blah. and they come over here and expect us to talk to them and all this other stuff that I won't get into but, again. . . I had to say, "I really can't get into this converstion right now at the dinner table at Christmas." BECAUSE. . . . well, for one, it's probably not Arabic, it's just some writing they can't understand so they call it Arabic; 2, all the people that they think so dumb are on their second or third language, and 3, we go to other countrys and expect people to speak English to us. How arrogant?! I was soooo annoyed and pissed all day.

I feel like it's getting worst too everyday. I'm starting to want to get out of here more and more. It's bad because I'M AMERICAN! And that's the card I was dealt, and I have been very fortunate, and I'm just sad that I've just realized now that there is life outside of the United States. So, instead of letting my heart harden more and more everyday towards Americans, I think I'm just going to have to try to be as nice as I can and learn as much as I can. . .I think learning will help a lot. And I really have to realize that a lot of people(especially those who make such ignorant comments) haven't had or taken the opportunity to get out of the country (like really out of the country), and they really just don't understand. They just don't know. So, I need to be a little bit more compassionate towards them instead of wanting to punch them in the face.

Um, okay I think that's about all the reflecting my mind can handle right now. I would honestly love to hear what you are all thinking. I could see how maybe my view is just really swayed right now from just getting home and I'm still coming down off the high, so please leave me a comment (with your name so I know who's writing) if you feel so moved. Happy holidays!!!

Well, it's been a few days but I decided to update. I've been home since wednesday, and although it feels good to be clean, and have a washing machine, I desperately want to be back in Africa. Maybe I'll feel differently when I start seeing more of my friends and family, but for now, I don't want to be here. From the moment I stepped off the plane in Det, I was back in the American a-hole stereotype environment and I hated it. When I left Ghana, the people at the airport(the people that took my tick, customs, people at the desk, everyone) we're so friendly and asked about my stay there and what I liked and if I was coming back and just very personable. They called my by my name. Ah ha, Amonda Wheela. They smiled. When I got to detroit, I had to go through customs, and I was excited to be home and happy and when I got to the person, I said, "Hi, how are you?" and he said, "passport." I don't know if I've ever felt passport as an emotion, but obviously he did. And while I had to go through another inspection after I got my luggage, I again inquired how the workers were and their emotion was, "do you have your slip?" Don't know if I've felt that either. Hopefully someday I'll become that steril to human contact that I'll feel that way. I also loved that they were wearing rubber gloves and some masks. I wouldn't want them to catch any compassion or interest or anything resembling it.

So then, it's FREEZING here. and my poor little shaven head isn't doing that great. I've had to wear a beenie, even in my house. But, back to the ride home. . . the overly cautious driving kills me. I miss cringing from getting too close to the car in front of me everyday. I miss going whatever speed the driver feels like. I miss not being in a hurry or feeling like I need to be at a certain place at a certain time. I miss not having an agenda.

Another thing that kills me is how people treat eachother here and the mindset they have. For one, I had to laugh because I ventured out the other day to shop at a real store with set prices, just to feel at home. I went to a music store and I didn't wear a hat, and I think people think I'm a cancer patient or something. It's quite humorous. Not once did someone ask if I needed any help, even though they asked everyone else that walked in. I really did laugh as I walked out of the store. And again, I went to best buy, looking at iPods. That's a pretty big purchase, especially to a worker on comission. Christmas present to myself. The stuff is in a cage and I was deligently inspecting it with about 5 workers standing around. They approaced people as they walked past, looking to help them, but not one came up to me to ask if I had any questions or needed anything. I just found it interesting because it's never happened to me before. I wasn't offended. I mostly felt bad for them and the mindset they must have. And, then I felt very privledged and fortunate to be able to experience the things I have in my life. Privledged to expand my knowledge of other cultures and people in general, and get a little bit of a grasp on my ignorance.

Um, another thing that happened was that I was in a store, and I had a stocking cap on so people weren't scared of the buzz girl. A little girl was walking a ways behind her mother and fell down. I was by her so I stretched out my hand to help her up. She looked up at me, looked at her mother, and got up by herself and ran to her mom. I'm back to being a stranger. In Africa, kids that we didn't know would run up to us and grab out legs and hug us and talk to us. Everyone takes care of the kids. That generation is everyone's responsibility. Everyone is friends. Here, you're a stranger and people don't care to know you. They only want to know their business, and don't really care about you or anyone else. It's true. And it's sad. And it makes me so frusterated and angry and bitter. Some people I've talked to about it have said that I just need to get back into the swing of things here and I'll feel better and be back to normal. I HOPE NOT! I hope I'm never back to what I once considered normal. The American norm is a place I never want to be at again in my life. Maybe I'll have to move. Or maybe I can start a new norm, even if it's just for myself. I don't know.

But, I am excited to be done with school and beginning a new chapter in my little book. Who knows what will happen?! But, i will make every effort to keep updating this journal so whoever is interested can find out what's going on.

The past few days have been pretty nice. We've just kinda been hanging out and having a good time. I went to the art market yesterday and today. I think I'm okay with never going there again. It's not soo bad. You can get lots of really cool stuff for cheap, but the whole - take your time and talk and bargain thing really kills me after a while. The pressure is ridiculous. the guys there seriously pull your arms in different directions for you to go to their shop. . .then I get to be a crank face and not so pleasant. But, it's definitely an experience that I would recommend to anyone once or twice.

I attended a carols service at the high school tonight. Their choir is just crazy good for high school. The guy's voices are so developed and I think that's why it's sooo full. The balance is great. And - our carols service is tomorrow and the jr high choir is nuts too. They can sing in four parts better then most high school choirs (that I've seen) in the U.S. And again, they 13-14 yr old boy's voices are very mature. It sweet.

OH! I almost forgot to tell you about Emily's place. If you don't remember, Emily's is the awesome ice cream shop we go to about twice a day. Well, we didn't know this, but I guess she just opened 6 weeks ago, which was two weeks after we got here, and we have been going there religously. We seriously jump started her business. . .so, last night she made our entire group a delicous - MOIST CAKE that was sooooooooooo gOOD! And she gave us our favorite ice cream. She has great booty shaking music and the atmosphere is pretty cool. She video taped us and we all got pics and it was really cool. The girls that work there are fun. I'm gonna miss walking there every day. . .but my huge butt won't. :)

There is so much to tell, but I don't want to waste my last two nights at the computer lab. Hope everyone is enjoying the SNOW! Can't wait to snowboard......the day after I get back. Okay - that is all. :)

I didn't include somthing yesterday in my little write up. Something passing though my head about the fourth year was the crazy hat/dance parties. That's what I was thinking about then, but along with that craziness, I met the most gorgeous wonderful chick that has been a huge part of my life since that year. No, she's not my girlfirend - she is my BFFFEAEAEAEAEAEEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAE. This girl is amazing and has taught me so much about life and love and kindness and compassion and everything you could possibly imagine! She has taught me about moderation (that's why she wasn't included in the crazy dance party thing - cause moderation was not a word in my vocabulary then), and about being real and true to yourself. I love her sooooo much! I would get in my car at midnight and drive 11 hours to surprise her if I knew she felt sad. There's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do for her. She was a huge part of my fourth year at college and is even a bigger part of my life now. I hope she knows that. . .sassy pants. ;)
Love you! xoxoxo

I think I'm overcome with emotions right now. I'm completely done with my undergrad. I don't have another assignment as a college student. I'm finished with school. I can't believe it. I really feel like I could cry any second. I think I'm very happy and sad that it's over and I know I'm going to miss it. Things from my whole college experience are flashing through my mind - from the first day I arrived in my small, nasty towers dorm -to ellen's chunky chicken noodle soup in the sink, to my first apartment - kissing my roommates boyfriend (I can't believe it just put that on there . . .sorry) to watching SNSS with Renee and Scott - then having the craziest year of my life with Emma and Greg and Julie and Janell - to having a great year with Mel and Kev, and then now. Yes . . . I've been in school for 5 1/2 years. But, you know what. . .I'm the first child from my generation in my entire family to go to college and graduate with a bachelors degree. That's kind of really cool. I think I'm going for my PhD. Why not?! I could be the first Dr. in my whole family. Might as well set a trend! I really can't put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm done with college. I'm an alumni. wow. . . . . .

Plus, the kids here are done and I know that monday is the last day I'll see them. I want to take one little girl home with me sooo bad. She just breaks my heart. She is the sweetest. She runs to me with open arms and I pick her up and spin her around. She kisses my cheeks and rubs my hair. I love her. I want to adopt her, but she's not a village kid. I really think I would in a second if she was. Then. . .these girls in her class stock piled me, so I'm on the ground and they are all laying on me and laughing and I'm on the dirty ground, but loving every second of it! So saying goodbye to them is going to be sooo hard. Kids here arent too cool for school (did I really just write that?!) like a lot of american students are. They love school. They love their teachers and have great relationships with them. As hard as some of it was, with discipline and classroom management, and lack of resources, I'm really going to miss it. I'm going to miss Albert, and the kids, and the staff. It really was a good time here. tear.. . ........ .. ...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................

I think I pretty much just finished my portfolio! I'm so glad it's done. Now i just need to print it off. I've been in the lab since 8:30 this morning, and it's 2:00. But it was so worth it! It feels GREAT! I think the only thing I need to do it get my final evel from my teacher and that's it! yyeseeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night out group went out with the teachers from SOS. We went to this great place called Ave Maria (i think). It was right on the ocean and it was awesome! It felt like i vacaction resort or something. we has a great time. I put some pics on my yahoo book if you want to check those out!

Since we've been having exams, some of us have had to monitor classrooms. I guess here they call it invidulating. But, we could never remember the word, and it kinda sounds weird anyway, so it's been this big joke that today someone is ovulating, masturbating, inebriating, penetrating, emancipating. . .etc. you get the idea. But it's just sooo funny. i guess you have to be here.

I think I'm pretty much done with everything. My exams are marked. I decided after that that I never want to mark again in my life. . .EVER! Marking SUCKS! I can't imagine being an english teacher. It would suck soooo bad. Props to them.

Ah, okay. Here's a quote for you. . .

Me and Kristie and Karrie at the seamstress.
Kristie: I didn't know you were coming or I would have waited for you
Me: Yeah, whatever, i didn't want to walk with you anyway!
Kristie: ppsshhhhhhhhhhh.
Me: Want some of this chocolate?
Kristie: want some of THIS chocolate?! (finger snap)

For those of you who forgot about Kristie, she is my black american friend.

That's all for now. Next week at this time, I'll be in Michigan. THAT SUCKS!

Well, today was my last day of class. The students had exams this morning from 9 - 10 in music and that's it. I'm done student teaching! I'M DONE BEING AN INDENTURED SERVANT! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that that's out.

I still need to get my stuff done. I got some done, but I think I made a nice, but stupid decision becasue I told my teacher, Albie, that I would mark all the exams. I told him to take the day off and would do it for him. I'm an idiot. He was very grateful, and it's not a huge deal. . .I just have a lot of other work I really need to work on for a grade. Oh well. If Albie is happy, my life is a lot easier because some of the other student teachers here have gotten stuck doing some pretty crumby things. I really lucked out to get paired with him.

I need to just say that as much as I don't want to go, there are some things I won't miss. ANTS! I hate ants. . . more than I ever have before. I won't miss the dirt and the smoke in the air. I won't miss taking 3 or 4 showers a day. I won't miss the food. I won't miss there being no trash cans anywhere. But, that's about it. I think something I will miss is the kids yelling my name when I walk outside. they say it like AHMONDA, only AH MMMMOOOOOOONNNNNNNNDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVE IT! I LOVE THESE KIDS! I got a group hug from my 1B girls about 6 deep today. It was great! I'm going to miss them sooooooo much! I'm going to take lots of pics before I go of them.

I really need to start working. But, quote of the day. We were talking about cold stone ice cream. Abbey and I love the cake batter. BUT, they took it off the line for a while to make some monor adjustments. Abbey being the silly girl she is -

ABBEY: They had to change the recipe so salmonellae wasn't one of the main ingredients.
I love it! You kill me flAbbey. ;) 8 days and counting. . . . . . . . . . . .